this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the march of the stupid soldier

first lemme say this post is not intended to offend anyone, my dad, granfather, cousin are all soldiers whom i admire and they would all agree that a good soldier marches without question; regardless of the effect on the being.

second lemme say this is what my son says to me sunday night at 10pm as he's jumping on his bed, and in general nowhere near calm and seeming to be ready to sleep. he is starting kindergarten on tuesday, he met his teacher and class at school on friday. i've had a year week filled with anxiety, he had appeared to be showing textbook signs of his anxiety before or during a change. i wasn't sure what to expect, he hadn't really wanted to discuss the topic. ok, you have the scene.

he: (jumping) "i'm so excited! excited! woo hoo exciiiiited"

me: "oh?"

he: "yes for sc hooooool, to go to sc hooooooooool"

me: "hmmmm"

he: "uh huh, i'm gonna jump right into line and march like a stupid soldier"

me: nothing, i had nothing. i laughed like i was 13 and my BFF just had juice come out of her nose. he's not really allowed to say stupid (thanks roald dahl) but i just laughed. called in tree from which apple fell and more laughing ensued.

seriously? i can't even take it. all this worry, all these years of him clinging to me and me standing up for his right to stay home with me till he was darn ready to go. smiling sweetly at the ass wipes who wanted to tell me how flippin good it would be for him if i just dropped him off and let him cry, cause you know, he'd get over it. no, he wouldn't have and no, i won't and no, i didn't and hell yeah he's spent 5 years 9 months with me learning and absorbing and becoming a whole human being with an awesome  vocabulary  and now? well, it seems as if he's ready and as if he's pretty much nailed it. you go perceptive boy, you take your analytical, curious, assertive, tenderhearted self and you go march on in and steal their secrets. cause if there's one thing i'm pretty sure of? it's that you'd make a crappy soldier.

what is beautiful?

oh that is so subjective. really it is. i just had a fit about kids toys and focusing on how you look, or what you wear. today i had a conversation with my daughter (3) who came downstairs asking "is this beautiful? do i look beautiful?" my response was (and she's used to this): "the orange and the green compliment each other nicely, all those colors together make it look like you are ready for some fun!"  after that i looked her in the eyes and told her, "you are beautiful always because your heart is beautiful. so any colors or clothing you put on looks beautiful because your heart is under there" her response to that, "oh yea, and i'm strong and smart too!" oh shiva h vishnu yes! yes! ok cool, great! today i am contributing to the next generation feeling beautiful inside. awesome.

but what about us? who grew up with more cynicism, less confidence bestowed upon us? those of us who grew up wanting to be looked in the eye, who learned to hide certain aspects, not be proud... madonna says it best.... and what about the fact that it really is ok to feel beautiful? what about embracing who we are and starting to love it? what about that? because people really are beautiful, the human form is amazing. have you ever seen the light and shadow of where the upper arm meets the lower arm, not the elbow but the inside? have you really seen it? how about the back of an ankle? i have, i can stare there for an hour. it will distract me from our conversation, from whatever i am doing. i tried to watch the broadway musical 'chicago' i couldn't focus; i was engrossed in watching those amazing women and their muscles. i can't coherently speak when sun is shining on tree leaves... amy knows this; we are artists and we know it. it lives in us screaming to get out, to share this beauty with the world.

amy recently started her own photography business, soulshine imagery. she does all sorts of art photography; still life, landscape, portraits.... she has an amazing eye and talent. something she is passionate about in her life and her art (are those ever separate?) is she wants to show us what we might not see about ourselves, that we are beautiful. i won her contest for a portrait session; project soulshine::tara. i won more then that; i got to meet and hang out with a kindred spirt for a glorious afternoon, my soul was surely shining. i "met" amy reading her blog. in may of 2010 amy did a month long series: in celebration of mothers, it had a profound effect on me. her thoughts, ideas, existence, is tied to mine in cosmic ways i can not explain but am grateful for. so here you are, here is amy's view of what is beautiful about me. thank you amy, thank you very much.

arrow in my foot

news from the kingdom:

the new set came. sports outfits, yahoo!!! a swimmer complete with goggles, soccer, tennis, baseball, with balls (ha!) and gear AND (deep breath) a cheerleader. a dark green (her favorite color) cheerleader outfit with pom poms. damn, i didn't see that coming. i got the pom poms out and said the green was another tennis outfit. then big bro, in a very loud voice, was like "look at the picture, it's a cheerleader, there's pom poms" i was all shhhhh. quick, get him out, try and explain that while cheerleading, an honest sport, has trouble in the area of very little girls who are not doing flips and handstands and how do you explain cliques and fitting in and looking beautiful to a 5 year old boy?? and how encouraging sports she can do and already likes is a good idea, like soccer... double damn. but i think it's ok, she loves the athletic gear that shows what they DO. so one small step? i try.

in other news: handed knight's arrow back after mowing my first lawn ever. by myself. with an old school reel mower. it felt really freakin good.

one of my favorite songs, especially when i'm in this kind of mood...

"What It feels Like For A Girl" -Madonna from the album "Music"

[Spoken:]
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world 

keep the pumpkin prince charming, i'll take my broom

it never ends. being any brand of smart, strong, independent woman in this country is like constantly swimming upstream. even if you've bucked the trend and have somehow come away with a strong sense of self with only whispers of inadequacy, you still end up living in this culture of "you look aaaadorable daaaarling". it's frustrating enough even after you've figured out how to maneuver it; and then you have a daughter. you hope she likes a different color then pink. well i did and mine does, she's a green baby she likes to say (phew). the problem is this whole world is out there trying to dumb her down, teaching her looks are more important then thoughts, boys are more able then girls.

what got me worked up about this now, today? well a simple dress up toy. melissa and doug's magnetic dress up to be precise. both my son and daughter got one a few years back, and then her another. but as she is now 3 it's just started to be played with seriously. the boy one has fireman, superhero, knight, policeman options. the girl one has clothing, all colors, shoes, bows, flowers hearts... you get the idea. one is career oriented, the other; just a wardrobe. there's a few out there and i see that you can get a girl sports one with tennis gear, basketball, swimming... which i just ordered due to my dilemma and her intense interest.... but there's about 7 girl ones with just clothing, princess garb, a bride and groom one of course (cause better start now for the one day you'll be a real princess). there's 3 boy ones all the boy ones are uniforms for work or sports or something to wear specifically for a thing to DO. there is no boy one with say: khakis and a work shirt, jeans and a flannel, suit and tie, t-shirt, shorts, hawaiian shirt, sneakers, loafers, flip flops, not even a grill spatula and a baseball hat accessory. really? yes really. i guess boys are not expected to be out of uniform ever. this all poses a problem in our play. z's girls get dressed and go to "work". r's boy gets dressed to go to a specific work that now he's locked into, there's no computer programer uniform, or architect apparel, and then when they get home and it's time for "party clothes" to go to say, the dinosaur puzzle making party and then swimming with the dinos, well r sends his boy in his underwear. he is ill equipped for parties, just like real life? maybe? my mom always laid clothes out for my dad if we were going somewhere. apparently men are expected to know how to dress for work but not for social life. so what are our kids learning? we've come so far and yet it's all still there, the underlying culture of girls being expected to be pretty first and boys to grow up and only think about work.

it gets me mad! and sad. but the world is changing, if only one kid and and a conscious remark at a time. i hope it is, it seems to be? i recently read two articles that i thought were pretty awesome. both about supporting girls being smart. lisa bloom's "how to talk to girls" in which she discusses making eye contact with young girls and asking her about a favorite book instead of complimenting her outfit. well done and yippie!! it does not escape me however that the cover of her new book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World is a picture of her looking gorgeous and not say, young girls at desks or a conference table filled with  professional women or a round table at what is obviously a book club of a mixed array of women from all walks of life or women and girls gathered around a piece of art in deep discussion. hmmm, i hope her intensions are good and it's not a money maker to prey on what we women desire. i haven't read it, if you have please comment. i hope it stays true to it's title and i hope our girls won't need to read it when they are women. i also think asking a boy what his favorite book is can be substituted for asking him his favorite sport or car.... let's break all the roles we've been cast...

laura hibbard's "hermione granger: the heroine women have been waiting for" in which she discusses girls finally getting someone to look up to that won't get us poisoned by an apple and waiting to be rescued. hermione is really the bomb, as is jk rowling for writing her. it struck me when laura was listing the role models of when we were girls, (you know, the princesses) and wrote of snow white who was saved by "a prince, who for some reason thinks kissing a sleeping girl is totally acceptable" exactly, things need to change. and i agree, witch's hats also trump tiaras in my house. rowling's books i have read, multiple times and i do intend to read them to my son and daughter when they are old enough. i know her intentions are good and i like knowing that her main characters are real. they have flaws and emotions and they make mistakes all while destroying evil. an evil they can only destroy while relying on each other, boys and girl. i'm down with that.

so in the meantime, in my princess free house (for as long as i can swing it) i've written a list (with input from my young charges) to keep in the box with the dolls and the clothes. it goes like this:

these girls are getting dressed to go to start their day. they are:
swim instructors, teachers, computer programers, graphic artists, musicians, mothers, marine biologists, driving instructors, lawyers, midwives, chefs, librarians, authors, zookeepers, veterinarians, landscape architects, dentists, tugboat captains, toothpaste cap screwer on-ers (think mr. bucket), farmers, bakers, artists, nutritionists, photographers, coaches..... and it's working. after i started to model this play i hear her saying "ok let's go to work now" of course they swim there, always, and have to change when they get there because they swim in their underwear. cool right? i feel like as long as i link the getting dressed with going to DO something that requires thinking i am aiding in her self worth as a smart woman. i also feel that modeling this for my son teaches him that girls and women are an integral part of society with much to offer, who should be respected and thought of as intellectual equals. i want them to know that women and men are different, that we all have different strengths. i don't pretend to think that either sex is superior or doesn't need the other. wasn't it virginia wolf who said "once women had the right to earn their own living and then feminism became obsolete, what would we see? men and women working together for the same cause*"? i think i'm on the right track.

the "goggles" (good use for hair bows, right? she's awesome and has always loved goggles) for swimming to and from work, to parties and for use when swimming into the water in the dinosaur puzzle.




*virginia wolf quote taken from danielle crittenden's book, "what our mother's didn't tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman"


8/22/11 note added: so hey you know how the universe collides you with people you need to "know" or whatever? yea well, check out what naptime wrote like 3 years ago! crazy right? i wish i'd seen it sooner i would have cheated and sent y'all over there right away, first of all her grammar is way better then mine and second; maybe people would have been fed in this house instead of me ranting about equality in dress up dolls....

7/10

i swam 7/10 ths of a mile today. from the dam of our lake to the diving boards. it was really, really, really cool. i came in 4th out of 4 in the under 40 division, which is exactly what i was shooting for. i tooted along enjoying the scenery happy to be accomplishing something so cool. i usually swim in circles, dragging a kid or two, it was pretty neat to start one place and end in another. i'm a stamina kind of gal, i could have turned around and swam right back, maybe next time i will. but today i did something i've never done before and it felt great. yahoo for me :) thanks for the support team C.

for the love of poop

i embroidered a colon. the pattern is by sublime stitching, it truly "ain't your gramma's embroidery". my cousin turned me on to them, she sent me a gift certificate, i don't think she expected me to pick this pattern... the other one i got is here, it's a little more traditional. i really like embroidery, i picked it up because i was withering inside not making anything. it's all i've ever known, making or writing or creating. and now i make people, which is awesome, but you never really finish and it feels like the medium is my soul and i'm always running out.... i tried knitting, i'm still not done..... i just can't knit when i'm exhausted, which is always (i can't even be bothered with the shift key to make capital letters) i end up just counting stitches over and over. i needed something to do in my free time where i get to sit with my husband and the tv from 11:30 to midnight one night a week. but i feel like i waste time if i just watch. so occasionally i embroider.

so why a colon? well, i'm a realist and poop is where it's at. i mean without poop where are you? and in all seriousness, it's all i do all day: wipe poop, make food that will become poop, think about the last time they pooped, if they need more starch, veg, fruit... talk about poop, do sharks poop? well yes they do, google says so and dung beetles, they are a top hit on youtube in my house.... it's all about poop.

i also have 2 good friends who's lives revolve around helping people poop. they believe everything starts in the colon and a clean colon equals a healthy body. i wanted to make this for them, cause they live poop and cause it's just funny. i mean really, an embroidered colon?! am i the only one laughing? my husband says i have a singular wit. maybe i do, but that's just hilarious to me, colons are not the thing of lace and doilies, of scottie dogs and poinsettias on christmas tea towels. tell me you are not laughing when you use the bathroom in my house and the towel has a colon on it? 

but it's not at my house, i gave it to my friend. it's sad actually, this is where the story goes from funny to sad. i'd been planning to make that for them for about a year. and then i started it. on april 17th. it was a sunday. i couldn't get my friends off my mind and i finally started their present. they were coming to visit in 2 weeks, i was hoping to get it done for them. and one of my friends died. the night i started the stitching. i sat and stitched and thought of them and those stitching hours were her last on earth. her husband has the colon towel now, i hope it makes him laugh and know how much i love them. 

those friends are why i have my kids. they helped me clean out my body and tackle issues that were keeping me from conceiving. which, in a nutshell, is the agent orange that my dad was exposed to in vietnam. it makes me angry. livid. furious. and i'm one of the lucky ones. my brother and i have all our limbs, we can see and hear. he had hip replacement at 32, i've had joint pain since the age of 9. my dad has friends who have no children, no grandchildren, and major health issues. every time he goes to a veteran function he hears more stories of the horror this chemical has caused. my brother and i can list the things that we have that are from his exposure before we were even conceived, it's a long list but it's none of the really bad stuff. so we're lucky. but i'm still angry. and it keeps me up at night wondering what is damaged in my children, what did i pass on? i buy organic when i can, i'm working on growing more of my own, i refuse to use chemicals anywhere. i live in harmony with ants because i do not believe for one iota of a second that "safe" actually means safe. "they" told my dad it was safe. if there is one thing i believe it is that "they" lie.

and so we poop. we clear out the toxins as best we can, i teach my kids what is real food and what is crap and we laugh. big, hearty, belly laughs about poop humor. because it's too much to worry about. and if i am going to spend time on this spinning, polluted planet, i am certainly not going to worry the whole time; i know that is not my path. i'm going to embroider organs, stop the use of hand sanitizer in school (seriously, they douse them, don't get me started about endocrine changing substances intended to be forced on my kid....NOT gonna happen) garden; and stand high on my soapbox with an army of angry, educated, action moms on my side to go to war against "they".

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

swamped

so playing along, with naptime, who's playing along... because i am a fan of good 'ol will, and also it's true, i am just swamped! and what's there to do but laugh along with those also battling r.o.u.s. so see you on the other side of the fire swamp.

“I can’t keep my head above water one minute to the next: it’s not just the parties and the goo-gooing with what’s-her-name, I’ve got to decide how long the Five Hundredth Anniversary Parade is going to be and where does it start and when does it start and which nobleman gets to march in front of which other nobleman so that everyone’s still speaking to me at the end of it, plus I’ve got a wife to murder and a country to frame for it, plus I’ve got to get the war going once that’s all happened, and all this is stuff I’ve got to do myself. Here’s what it all comes down to: I’m just swamped, Ty.”

this moment

THIS moment was made possible by amy. who's blog had a raffle, and i won! i won a lot more then having my portrait taken, amy and i have been cyber friends for awhile and we finally got to meet, it was a cosmic, cool, happening. she's super talented, check her out here: soulshine imagery, her photography business. more about that and her here soon! along with her portraits of me !!!

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

10 minutes

so i found myself alone again, in blissful silence, for 10 minutes. i like that it is starting to happen again, that i find myself alone in a quiet, beautiful place. my soul has been hungry, starving even... here's 10 more minutes that will someday contribute to the self, that is truly me, to live at the surface.

and then i came home to the normal, everyday, minutes. and for a moment i realized the beautiful in my pile of reality, that there can be no dream without reality, there is no beauty without ugliness, there is no peaceful bliss without the deafening chatter.

joyful blooming

i love magnolia trees. i had 10 minutes to my self this week with one of them. they feel so magical and joyful and when i'm standing near one i'm not sure if i am dreaming a beautiful dream where at the end i'll be able to fly.

the view from here

again, amy is inspiring me to do more then just the dishes...

the forsythia came out in what seemed like an hour, i can't stop staring at it and feeling the hope it brings that spring is really coming.

or playing near it.

there's so much of it, but i like looking at it with these 2 cool rocks. i'm enjoying discovering the beautiful little places that will take their place forever in my memory next too my past homes' favorite places.

i unpacked this bowl my dad made us a long time ago, the pears looked so perfect in it. i wanted to photograph them in sunlight but by the time the sun rose two were in my belly and the symmetry just wasn't the same.

late again for using seeds. i picked up 4 basil plants that are now on the counter waiting the pots they will go in since again my garden can not be permanent. you can't see the one i've already almost killed....

my dad came to town and brought this bench he made for us.

got a fabulous invitation... check it out if you can.

Ordinary Grace a celebration of everyday beauty selected photographs by Amy Drucker www.amydrucker.com on display from April 29-June 11 NoKa and NoKa Joe's 25 Katonah Avenue, Katonah, NY 914-232-7278 www.nokajoes.com Gallery Opening, Upstairs at NoKa Friday, April 29, 7-9:30pm

this cool cat decided she was done with diapers before she was 3. did it herself, which we are pretty stoked about since the older one was dragged out of diapers 2 months after his 4th bday.

she wanted "green underpants. not light green dark green". hard to find. so i carved a turtle stamp and gave her dark green turtles. she was delighted.

settling into our new back yard.

we found some green and blue glitter paint...that was for paper.

it was everywhere....but it looked so pretty.

what's your view like?

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

on the 28th:::28 things

you absolutely do not need to know about me:

i see in color, pattern and shadow.

i need to stop and stare if the sun or moon is shining branches or rainbows on my wall.

i can not focus if a fluorescent bulb is buzzing. it makes me feel insanity is stalking me.

i believe coincidences are opportunities.

some of my favorite smells are: rain, wet redwood forest, ocean, peach, wet desert, gushing snow melt, yarn, chocolate, my kid's and husband's heads, hardware stores and ben and jerry's ice cream shops.

i taught myself to type when i was 21 with a space invader typing program.

i have really awesome friends.

i've lived in a car three times in my life, by choice, each time exploring the usa.

my husband is my anchor and my sail.

i think the moon is the perfect light to kayak, hike and garden by.

when i see the number 28 i know the universe wants me to pay attention.

i tell my daughter every day, "you are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful". i hope she grows up sure of it.

i think tennessee, kentucky and nebraska are more beautiful then they get credit for.

i agree with holden caufield about phonies.

i can't stand when people are in my space or i can't see the sky, but i loved spelunking.

7 is my favorite number, 9 is second.

i've peed in a cornfield in iowa, and really enjoyed it. (you're laughing, but go ahead...you will see...)

i still believe in magic and; that when said magic presents itself, i will be able to fly.

floating is my favorite thing to do in water.

i love comic book superhero movies. if batman or wolverine are involved, i'm in.

i have a crazy high tolerance for physical pain but not cruel words.

i believe love is the most important thing parents can give children. any parents.

sometimes i bite my lip till it bleeds. i'm sorry every time.

i believe birth matters. i agree, passionately, with ina may about women and i want to aid in her desire to bring truth and clarity to the birth culture in our country.

my son has my exact hair cowlicks and all, in the very same places.

i believe souls are eternal.

i desire equally: a trip to the library of congress, and a sailing/kayak adventure in the galapagos.

my 28 things were inspired by amy's 41 things, my cyber friend who makes it feel like hope and love and support are everywhere if you just look. (amy, i can't stand the smell of any perfume either, or any strong, fake scent; smelly soap is my nemesis. i still have anxiety about under the bed, hate to talk on the phone, i believe in karma... and i think you know the list could go on, and on, and on...)

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

liquid once again. joy!

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.