this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the march of the stupid soldier

first lemme say this post is not intended to offend anyone, my dad, granfather, cousin are all soldiers whom i admire and they would all agree that a good soldier marches without question; regardless of the effect on the being.

second lemme say this is what my son says to me sunday night at 10pm as he's jumping on his bed, and in general nowhere near calm and seeming to be ready to sleep. he is starting kindergarten on tuesday, he met his teacher and class at school on friday. i've had a year week filled with anxiety, he had appeared to be showing textbook signs of his anxiety before or during a change. i wasn't sure what to expect, he hadn't really wanted to discuss the topic. ok, you have the scene.

he: (jumping) "i'm so excited! excited! woo hoo exciiiiited"

me: "oh?"

he: "yes for sc hooooool, to go to sc hooooooooool"

me: "hmmmm"

he: "uh huh, i'm gonna jump right into line and march like a stupid soldier"

me: nothing, i had nothing. i laughed like i was 13 and my BFF just had juice come out of her nose. he's not really allowed to say stupid (thanks roald dahl) but i just laughed. called in tree from which apple fell and more laughing ensued.

seriously? i can't even take it. all this worry, all these years of him clinging to me and me standing up for his right to stay home with me till he was darn ready to go. smiling sweetly at the ass wipes who wanted to tell me how flippin good it would be for him if i just dropped him off and let him cry, cause you know, he'd get over it. no, he wouldn't have and no, i won't and no, i didn't and hell yeah he's spent 5 years 9 months with me learning and absorbing and becoming a whole human being with an awesome  vocabulary  and now? well, it seems as if he's ready and as if he's pretty much nailed it. you go perceptive boy, you take your analytical, curious, assertive, tenderhearted self and you go march on in and steal their secrets. cause if there's one thing i'm pretty sure of? it's that you'd make a crappy soldier.

what is beautiful?

oh that is so subjective. really it is. i just had a fit about kids toys and focusing on how you look, or what you wear. today i had a conversation with my daughter (3) who came downstairs asking "is this beautiful? do i look beautiful?" my response was (and she's used to this): "the orange and the green compliment each other nicely, all those colors together make it look like you are ready for some fun!"  after that i looked her in the eyes and told her, "you are beautiful always because your heart is beautiful. so any colors or clothing you put on looks beautiful because your heart is under there" her response to that, "oh yea, and i'm strong and smart too!" oh shiva h vishnu yes! yes! ok cool, great! today i am contributing to the next generation feeling beautiful inside. awesome.

but what about us? who grew up with more cynicism, less confidence bestowed upon us? those of us who grew up wanting to be looked in the eye, who learned to hide certain aspects, not be proud... madonna says it best.... and what about the fact that it really is ok to feel beautiful? what about embracing who we are and starting to love it? what about that? because people really are beautiful, the human form is amazing. have you ever seen the light and shadow of where the upper arm meets the lower arm, not the elbow but the inside? have you really seen it? how about the back of an ankle? i have, i can stare there for an hour. it will distract me from our conversation, from whatever i am doing. i tried to watch the broadway musical 'chicago' i couldn't focus; i was engrossed in watching those amazing women and their muscles. i can't coherently speak when sun is shining on tree leaves... amy knows this; we are artists and we know it. it lives in us screaming to get out, to share this beauty with the world.

amy recently started her own photography business, soulshine imagery. she does all sorts of art photography; still life, landscape, portraits.... she has an amazing eye and talent. something she is passionate about in her life and her art (are those ever separate?) is she wants to show us what we might not see about ourselves, that we are beautiful. i won her contest for a portrait session; project soulshine::tara. i won more then that; i got to meet and hang out with a kindred spirt for a glorious afternoon, my soul was surely shining. i "met" amy reading her blog. in may of 2010 amy did a month long series: in celebration of mothers, it had a profound effect on me. her thoughts, ideas, existence, is tied to mine in cosmic ways i can not explain but am grateful for. so here you are, here is amy's view of what is beautiful about me. thank you amy, thank you very much.

arrow in my foot

news from the kingdom:

the new set came. sports outfits, yahoo!!! a swimmer complete with goggles, soccer, tennis, baseball, with balls (ha!) and gear AND (deep breath) a cheerleader. a dark green (her favorite color) cheerleader outfit with pom poms. damn, i didn't see that coming. i got the pom poms out and said the green was another tennis outfit. then big bro, in a very loud voice, was like "look at the picture, it's a cheerleader, there's pom poms" i was all shhhhh. quick, get him out, try and explain that while cheerleading, an honest sport, has trouble in the area of very little girls who are not doing flips and handstands and how do you explain cliques and fitting in and looking beautiful to a 5 year old boy?? and how encouraging sports she can do and already likes is a good idea, like soccer... double damn. but i think it's ok, she loves the athletic gear that shows what they DO. so one small step? i try.

in other news: handed knight's arrow back after mowing my first lawn ever. by myself. with an old school reel mower. it felt really freakin good.

one of my favorite songs, especially when i'm in this kind of mood...

"What It feels Like For A Girl" -Madonna from the album "Music"

[Spoken:]
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world